In my work we talk a lot about tolerating discomfort. The reason we highlight its importance is that often it can lead to responses and behaviours that make things harder.
Avoidance for example is something most of us are familiar with. As an introvert and someone who has been a bit socially anxious in the past, (and sometimes more recently!), there were things I avoided routinely; parties, speeches, that sort of thing. When I had to do something, I would use a safety behaviour e.g; stick like glue to a friend or suddenly get lots of urgent texts on my phone I had to deal with. If I couldn’t do that, or if I could get away with it, I would avoid.
At first avoidance feels good.
I am thinking negatively about a situation, I feel uncomfortable, I don’t like it, something bad will happen, I’ll mess it up, people will judge me...
Then I rationalise, and we all like a good rationalisation! I don’t really need to be there, other people are going, they won’t miss me, I have so many other important things to do, I should just stay here…
Then the relief! The euphoria of not having to go and do what I don’t want to do which lasts…about…5 minutes ☹
What follows is guilt, shame, regret…and…back to fear.
Because now I worry about being judged for not going. I feel guilty for letting people down, I berate myself for being a terrible person who can’t just go to a party or wherever. I feel inadequate, unconfident, sad.
And then because I avoided it, I tell myself that I clearly can’t handle doing it next time. I should just give it a miss in future; I’m not up to it.
Or I’ll pull myself together and say yes to everything, I’ll prove I can do it. Until I have to and then I don’t want to anymore, the fear kicks in, I feel anxious…maybe I can get out of it?
Yeah, this avoidance is really working for me…not.
So, what should we do instead?
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy recommends Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), evolving from decades of behavioural research and further developed by Victor Mayer (1966). ERP involved identifying the things which scare us and reducing the behaviours which maintain our anxiety about them. ERP suggests that we are more capable than we think, we just need to allow our body to understand the feeling of threat is often a false alarm. It encourages people to make a list or ‘hierarchy’ of the things that make them uncomfortable, lowest to highest, and systematically start doing them and habituating to the discomfort around them. This has been used in many aspects of anxiety to enable individuals to face their fears and build confidence that they can handle things.
ERP can be very effective, but this is a very simplified explanation, and I would always recommend consulting a qualified therapist to see if this is suitable for you and access advice and guidance.
However, the principal that we avoid things we don’t like and can work on reducing that avoidance is something we all can do. Pushing our comfort zones can help in many ways;
· Disconfirming fears.
· Building confidence.
· Increasing skills.
· Giving opportunities for growth and learning.
· Improving self-esteem.
What can we do to help ourselves?
· Not worry so much about how it will go – be curious, try things out, see what happens.
· Take some pressure off ourselves – we don’t have to have all the answers; we can just take a first step and gradually push our comfort zone in bitesize pieces.
· Have a break from self-criticism - be self-compassionate, we are figuring things out.
· Be allowed to make a mistake – see mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures.
· Tolerate discomfort – things aren’t always meant to be easy; it’s okay to not like something, but it’s good to give things a go.
· Accept the anxiety – it will get easier the more you do something, think about all the times you have pushed yourself a little – a new role at work, moving house, trying something new – and survived it!
· Use grounding techniques – ground yourself in the present and be kind.
· Ask for help if you need it – a friend or loved one or a professional.
· Give yourself credit every time you try something hard – it’s an amazing and brave thing to do.
Start with something small and build up. If we can give ourselves opportunities to discover what we can do, our confidence will grow and we will feel more able to try new things.
You never know where they might lead…
References:
18 grounding exercises and techniques for anxiety relief — Calm Blog
Meyer, Vic (1966). "Modification of expectations in cases with obsessional rituals". Behaviour Research and Therapy. 4 (4): 273–280
